We are now seven years into the twenty first century, and for many of us, our personal computer is edging out our television as our window to the outside world. We regularly rely on the internet for communicating, shopping, banking and finding romance.
According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project survey on Online Dating, “among the relatively small and active cohort of 10 million internet users who say they are currently single and looking for romantic partner, 74% say they have used the internet in one way or another to further their romantic interests.”
We asked random online daters to reflect on their experiences. Here are some of their responses.
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I have a match.com account I have not deleted. I'm guessing I haven't deleted it just in case I feel like browsing. I deleted my Yahoo account. I attempted signing up for eHarmony but didn't have the time to sit there and go through the whole 'screening process', which leads me to believe I'm not really interested in dating in the first place.
The only way I'm going to get what I want out of Internet dating is when I'm ready to put in the time and effort it's going to take. Internet dating definitely taught me to take dating for what it's worth. The guys you're attracted or intrigued enough to send a 'wink', are probably just on there to 'see what's out there'… aren't they all. Then there are the guys that are actually on there to find the love of their life, but odds are they're most likely guys you wouldn't initially be attracted to. I've given those guys a chance but the whole email, IM and inter-mitten phone conversation just don't interest me as much as meeting someone in person. I need an intellectual connection.
I will most likely keep my account to browse but Internet dating seems to be a full-time job on top of my full-time job and it's just a lot to juggle for what little I've gotten out of it. I will say that I met great people along the way. I say people instead of "a guy" because he and I didn't exactly work out but while we were dating I was introduced to a lot of people. I wouldn't be where I am today with the wonderful friends I've now acquired in the domino effect of meeting people if it hadn't been for him.
-Elizabeth, 27, Delaware
By online dating, I discovered that I did not know what I really wanted... that I need to figure that out before I date more. I learned I need to really prescreen and be honest, at least to myself, as to why I am interested in meeting someone. There were times I would go on dates as a social activity – dinner, drinks, even just going on a walk in the park – just for something to do, to meet new people, and not because I was ‘interested’ in dating that person. But making new friends, meeting new people, or just to ‘do’ something.
Dating is actually a very serious thing. We date in order to find our soul mate. We date to enrich our lives with the hope of finding the one person we are to share it with (hopefully) for the rest of our life. Casual dating can be a very demanding, dangerous game, as it requires more focus and a sense of sharing ourselves (sexually, emotionally and spiritually) with too many people. I understand this now as I grow ‘older and wiser’. Most people probably won’t understand this view. But for those who do, and have not ventured down that road yet, stay true to yourself, and share yourselves intimately with very few people. I am not advocating staying a virgin, but to be highly, highly selective and to have patience.
An older man once told me “Hot fires burn out fast. The ones that build slowly, that even when they seem to be out still have hot coals under the ashes that can be rekindled with a little work and patience.” To Gino, my wise 90 year old friend, 6 years later, I understand what you said to me. Thank you for sharing. I get it now!
Gina, age 37, New York
I've done way too much internet dating... Match.com had a special where the first 60,000 members to join would get memberships that were free for life -- I was 59,800. So, let's just say, with probably over 300 dates (ouch) over the last 10 years or so from online dating, I've got experience.
With dating, you reap what you sow. Plenty of people are frustrated with the whole search process. My feeling is, if you don't put enough effort into the search process you will end up with a lot of dates that you really don't know enough about, or are frankly just not people you'd ever want to see again, in any setting. I've learned a lot more -- but that was more from the dates themselves as opposed to the use of the dating sites.
Online dating hasn't really changed my attitude towards dating. There are plenty of liars out there in the real world, that you might come across in a bar scene or some similar face to face initial meeting. Online, they tend to feel insulated from discovery because it's semi-anonymous. However, they've forgotten that once you meet in person, many of the fibs will come to light (5'9 vs 5'5, 160 lbs vs 210, divorced vs single, etc). But it hasn't really changed my personal attitude. My attitude remains: be honest and completely forthcoming. If there's something that will turn them off (i.e. I'm not 6' feet tall, don't have a six pack or a full head of hair), I'd rather that they find out prior to me having to buy them a drink.
I've made some awesome friends over the years -- where I met a good solid woman, but the chemistry just wasn't there for more than friendship. I've also met some great women that I've dated where it just didn't work out in the end.
Marc, age 34, New York
I was a member of one or more dating services for 2 to 3 years in total, but I am not a member of any online dating services currently, probably for the last two years or so. I highly doubt I would ever join again. One of my pet peeves about online dating is that so many women seemed like they were just browsing, that is they would take the time to get on a site, start up a conversation but have no intention of wanting to meet anyone, unless it was just that they didn't want to meet me. My policy was that I was willing to "chat" back and for a few emails but after maybe 3 emails from each person, I would want to meet. If not, that was cool but I would then move on. I view online dating as a forum to meet someone, not a forum to get to know someone. We all spend too much time in front of a computer; at least I do, so why make it a social outlet. At the height of my online dating "career", I would sometimes have 3 "meets" in a week and I felt that it was better to meet in person and get the physical introduction out of the way.
Physical attraction isn't everything by any means but it's extremely important, I feel. I could usually tell in the first 5 minutes if I was physically attracted or not and I assumed that the other person would form an opinion as well. Most of the time I would think that one or both us was probably not interested in a second meeting, so politeness would dictate a 20 to 30 minute coffee date and we would thank each other for their time and wish the other luck. I'm sure that some of the women I wasn't interested in might have thought/hoped I might call for a second date. The reverse is most certainly true, that I would call them and they would say "not interested" or simply not return the call. I don't believe in repeat calling someone. I will call someone twice, no more than that and I expect that they show the same interest in me. If not, that's cool; they're just not for me.
Tim, age 37, Pennsylvania
I spent a few months on J Date and just hated the formulaic nature of the communications and fitting myself into a check list. I was in a relationship for about a year (with a guy I met at a party) and after we broke up I decided to go on-line again but this time I tried Craigslist.
I am a writer and I loved the freedom to craft what I wanted to on a blank screen, free of tiny check boxes and stupid demographics. I think because I am a writer, I was able to articulate really well in my post what I was looking for and hone in on my "target audience" of men. I posted maybe four different times. The amount of responses I got was copious - as many as 80 in one day! But they are quite easy to sift through. I'm hugely attracted to literate, smart men. What better way judge someone's smarts than to see if they can craft a fairly well written, grammatically correct, spell checked response?
I got a great, down to earth, well written response from a guy who really excited me. He wrote to me about things that I really cared about. We talked on the phone, went on a date two nights later, and have talked every day since. We got married five months ago - almost a year and a half after our first date. Had we met in a bar or a party, I'm sure the quality of our first encounter would not have been as deep or interesting as the first phone conversation we had. When you are on the phone there is time and privacy, no noise, nobody getting drinks spilled on them, no friends checking in on you.
Jessica, age 32, Chicago
I did some internet dating 8 years ago in California. All the men I met were interesting; some weird but all nice. It is a much easier way to meet men, especially if both parties are truthful. The only thing is, you will only find out if the chemistry is there when you meet the person, after all, a meeting of the mind doesn't equate to chemistry. I believe I was using Yahoo's service at the time and it was only for a couple of months. I actually met my husband on that site. We traded email for a few weeks, talked on the phone then met in person early Feb of 1999. We got along really well. I moved to Australia, and we talked on the phone and IMed each other every day. I went back to California for a month in June; he came to Australia in July and proposed while he was here! We got married the following March and he moved over to Australia. We are still happily married.
Tracy, age 37, Australia |
